Yes, officer, I am now aware that I was 10 miles over the posted speed limit.
It’s just plain cruel to hang such a staggering sunset on yon horizon
And not expect a man’s heart to race toward it, vehicle in tow.
Now I suppose you’re fixing to run my license and have a peek at my record.
Allow me a disclaimer, a few soft words of explanation
That will get our relationship off to a pleasant start.
The parking tickets – well, I can’t deny those.
Though, I know you’ll raise an eyebrow at the library fine.
Yes, it is true: I did check out the entire collection of Sumerian mythology,
Some 57 odd books, from Taylor Memorial, and yes, I never returned them.
Three weeks is hardly adequate time to contemplate the Nam-Shub of Enkidu,
Wouldn’t you agree?
And I’m sure the death mark placed on me by the Turkish Government is on file.
You can’t take a piss in that country without committing some blasphemy or another.
Tucamcari?
Let me ask you something:
Were you even aware of such a smudge on the map before consulting my record?
No, I didn’t think so.
I’m sure no one misses it – I sure don’t.
Let them build an outlet mall or something there.
Plenty of space for it now.
“Who is Charlene Friday?”
Well, once upon a time, I would have said she was my wife.
Nowadays, that’s just a word in the dictionary between “Friendship” and “Friction.”
I can see where you’re going with this, officer.
You could stand there playing priest to my confessor until the shadows tuck in the mountains and kiss them goodnight,
But let me save you the trouble:
I am a guilty man.
But not for anything on your little computer screen.
If you have a moment, I can let you peruse the Right and True account of my life,
Careful and leather-bound,
Right here in the glove compartment.
Fear not!
I am unarmed,
Save for my wicked, wicked tongue.
Here:
I rescued a princess from a faraway tower, but put her in another tower closer to me.
I had a basket of apples, but picked another from my neighbor’s tree.
I discovered a clear mountain stream and kept it a secret.
I let an entire summer slide past my window without so much as a glance at it.
I had a dream about a net of stars and did not write a poem about it.
Holy music swelled in my chest, yet I did not sing.
I pushed a child.
I laughed at a friend.
But these are all essentially victimless crimes,
Pedestrian cruelties available to common souls,
Loose change in the coat pockets of a more hideous transgression.
All victimless crimes.
I am a villain, true, but officer, please show me the innocent.